The Monster No Longer Lives in My Closet!

Yesterday I walked out of the Court House with the Uncontested Intent to Move Modification Papers (whew... now that's a mouthful) IE:  The Freedom to live somewhere besides Flathead Valley and not lose Custody of my Daughter.

 But it was so much more than just that.  It was the Freedom to NOT have to live in the same town as the man who has Bullied and Controlled me since I was 13 years old.  It was closure to a  9 Year Constant Custody Battle over our two Daughters. One of which  is 19 and lives like a gypsy, never laying her head down long enough anywhere to actually call home.  A repurcussion I am sure comes from being pulled back and forth between the two of us.... she was older... she Saw & Remembers More.

It was closure to  almost 30 years of being Intimidated & Manipulated & Hurt by this One Man. 

Yesterday I kicked up my heels and yelled in my head, "You can't own Me.  Or Hurt Me. Or Use our daughters to Hurt Me.  Ever again!"  And I let it Go.  Felt it Go. 

I was Elated.  The kind of Elated that makes you scream, 'YES' OUT LOUD... your legs jump up and down, arms waving around... Body completely out of control with Positive Energy... Dancing kind of Elated....  After  Years of Battling with This Man ... I feel FREE for the VERY first time!!!

I started Dating Him when I was 13.  Married Him at 19.  Divorced Him... a Scared Broken but Determined Woman at 32.  I thought I'd be FREE of Him then.  This is where I insert 'sarcastic laughing and snorting'.  The Reality is that with that Divorce and consequential Detailed Parental Agreement my ex husband and the Family Court System  gained more control over my life than I EVER dreamt possible.  Unless I wanted to give up Custody of my kids.  Which would have happened ONLY over my dead decomposing body. 

  If I had a dime for every time I wish I had had Invitro... I'd be a millionaire.  I have literally wished away the last 9 years.  It has been one of my Biggest Regrets.  I didn't get to be the  Mother I wanted to be  because it was such a Battle with their Father to get to be One. 

The littlest Things turned into Enormous Battles and Hour long Phone Conversations....usually resulting in my phone ending up in bits at the bottom of the Wall it was Flung Against.  It has been Exhausting.

I thought the fighting was bad when we were married.  I had NO idea.   I remember what he told me the night I said I wanted a Divorce, like it was Yesterday.  He stood there with the Deed to His House in His Pocket,  His exact words were, "If you Leave me, I will make Your Life miserable!  I will bring in Women who will be the MOTHER to MY Children and I will NOT financially support you, and you won't leave with My kids".  It was probably the only thing I think he has ever said that he completely Stood by.   Persistantly Stood by.  When I have been able to take a step off the 'wheel' and actually jump outside the Gerbil Cage,  I can admire his Tenacity and Persistance at making my Life completely miserable.  

I've been reported to Family Court for not having Tire Treads the right Depth & Coats with Broken Zippers.  Battles to constantly reduce Child Support.  Fights over changing Schools or Residences.  Lost Custody for a short time because I couldn't afford to Provide a Private Bedroom.  Fights over whose Holiday it was until I quit giving a shit about the Holidays completely, rarely even puttin up a Christmas Tree anymore.  I even spent a month having to drop my daughter off every night at his girlfriends house while he was a State away working, sneaking her a Cell Phone because 'said' GF wouldn't allow her to talk to me while at her house.  Thousands of Dollars in Legal Fees & Lost Work Hours.  Weekly Schedule Changes around his Job and HIS Life.  AND Always the Negotiations... Monthly, Weekly, Daily.  There were times that I swear I talked to him more Divorced than we EVER did Married.  Plan Plan AND Plan.  Break the Plan so we can Plan some more.  OMG.  Synchronize Your Watches folks its almost Dad's Weekend.

The crazy thing is now I look back and I wish I could have had some perspective.  Stop and BREATH before I reacted.  I was like a Pop Up Doll.  Push this Button and I Jump.  This one and I Scream.  This one and I'll break every fucking dish in the kitchen.  Given the fact that I'd been with this man since I was Basically 13 he knew EVERY Button to Push.  And he did.  Until I short circuited one day and ended up running down the road barefoot screaming that I wanted to kill him with my bare hands and a toothpick.  It was then that God got out a REALLY big 2x4 and knocked me on my ass before I ended up in Jail with splinters in my hands.  My calf muscle torn from the base of my heel all the way to my knee.  The worst tear the doctor had EVER seen.  It swelled and filled with blood and I didn't walk normally for almost a year and a half.  The first 3 months I laid on a couch with my leg in the air contemplating my "Anger Issues" towards my Ex Husband.  It was then that I knew I had to find a way to STOP letting him push my buttons.  Ya' think. 

I had lost everything.  He had taken both my daughters and convinced one to live with him.  I couldn't walk.  I couldn't get off the couch to break anything.  I was Stuck with Myself.  It was the catalyst that brought Much Needed Change to my LIFE.  It was there I learned what having NO control over your life or that of your Childrens lives, really meant.  Painfully and Slowly I decided I better learn to LET Go.  Because I wasn't so sure I could survive God's Next 2x4.  I was actually kind of afraid he'd start using something Bigger.  Like a Lightening Bolt or Something. 

It was the beginning of my Journey into Land of No Fear.  I had to quit being afraid of How he could Hurt Me ...in order to NOT be afraid of Him hurting Me... in order for Him to Stop Being able to Hurt Me.

 Seems Easy.  Especially for those who have never been in this type of Relationship for the better part of their Life.  For me, It has obviously been a Painful and Slow Journey that left me with many Healed Scars.  I hurt my leg 3 years ago.  I just found Freedom Yesterday.  I've already admitted my propensity for slow learning so this shouldn't be a new revelation. 

Still being me I had actually thought for a Moment that he signed the papers because he had realized how Powerful and Strong I had become and that I wasnt' Afraid of Him anymore.  HA.  Funny Shit.  He only signed the Papers because he has found a New Family to take over and Control and someone elses Ex to Bully and Beat Up.  Sorry New Family.  But Good Riddance for Me.  Its interesting how we all seem to keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again.  I think maybe its why God decided to NOT let us Live for 900 years anymore. 

And so.  The Monster No Longer Lives in My Closet!  I am Free.  From More than I can even write about.  My feet are tappin'... My Heart is Smilin' ...  Life is Good and it Just Keeps Getting Better.