You can’t give what you haven’t yet received.

I used to think that I loved all the people in my life Unconditionally. I now realize that it was impossible for me to do that since I was completely unaware of what it actually meant.

We are conditioned from Birth to have an idea in our head of what Love and Family is and anything that falls outside those borders is unacceptable or dysfunctional. In my head Love was always Warm and Fuzzy never Hot or Angry. Even though I grew up with the Latter but desired the Other.

If you were angry with me then you didn’t love me. It was a pretty simple concept and one that I held on to for the better part of my Life.

For the most part, I believe, that we get our concepts of these things from the environment that we are raised in. So yes, I am pre-disposed to blame my parents. Isn’t everything always our Parents fault. Ha. I would say this is Truth but I’ve discovered sometimes even someone raised in a perfect “Leave it to Beaver’ family can grow up feeling insecure and unaccepted, settling for any morsels of Validation and Love that comes their way but still feeling empty when it does.

I grew up in a household of Chaos and Conflict. So I have inevitably been a Seeker of Both. Its natural evolution to fall into the same patterns that you lived with as a child. It takes a strong Will and Determination to change and to grow apart from your History, that which for the most part I believe I have been able to do. However, I will admit, Being the change in the world that you want to see is a LOT more difficult than it sounds.

I’m not sure if I was drawn to Negative, Controlling and Angry People or if they were drawn to me. It doesn’t really matter. Up until last year it was simply the Reality of my Life. My Aunt says that it’s the simplicity with which I am able to be Manipulated by the People I seek Love From. Translated that means that my spinal cord is made of Jelly and I’m an ‘easy mark’.

I tend to agree with her, wanting to change it and be stronger, but unsure of how to go about this sometimes. It just goes against the very Nature of who I am. Saying “No” and standing up for myself, is as difficult as pulling Teeth out of a cats ass.

Growing up, Love always felt conditional. I’m not sure if that is an actual Truth or if it was just a Thought in my head. In a way I was judging other peoples love of me, assuming it was Conditional. I ask myself now, what goes on inside a persons head that makes them feel this way from the beginning. Worthless and unlovable? Regardless of the Why or the What, its what created the People Pleasing Personality trait that has plagued me my entire life.

I have fought the impulse to do and say whatever it takes to make the people in my life show me love and affection. Quite often losing the battle. I don’t remember it always being this exhausting, but as of late, I’m OVER it. What I’ve discovered is that no matter how hard you try or how good you are able to lie to yourself or to those around you, or how often you Go the extra mile, you don’t get loved any more or any less for the Things that you Do.

Your Loved by the People you are supposed to be Loved by, at that Time in your Life. And Love comes in so many Forms that its impossible to put it in a Neat and Tidy Box. Your loved by your Dog differently than by your Mother or your Mate. Take it for what it is.

Unconditional Love is a rare gift. So when you find it and recognize it, you should honor it and Never take it for Granted.

I don't know if its that I have finally accepted being Loved or that I am chosing different People to Love.  Maybe a lot of Both.  Now, I know that I have several People in my Life that I Love unconditionally, because I finally feel that I too, am loved by many in the same way.

So I can now Freely give what I know I have already Received.  Life is just Good like That.