The Chickens are Rockin' the Coop!

My Daughters Chickens are Rockin' the Coop.  Three to Four Eggs a day.... We literally have a Pile of Eggs in the Refrigerator.  As do our Neighbors in Theirs. 

I was not at all pumped up about having Chickens.   All Feathery and Pointy Nasty Feet.  And I have yet to be able to slide my hand under any of their Butts in search of Eggs.  Just NOT going to Happen.  In fact I have to tell myself that the Eggs don't really come from a Chickens Butt in my Back Yard but instead they Miraculously appear in the refrigerator... in order to even be able to eat them.  I'm like that with Venison as well.  It must be packaged and frozen.  Then re thawed before I can pretend its food.  Before that.  Its a furry brown eyed animal and I CAN'T go there.

  My youngest loves animals of ALL kinds and was extremely persistent about having Chickens.  Assuring her that it was NOT happening because we just did NOT have a place to keep them I thought I had that Battle Whipped.  I forgot that she is cut from the same exact same cloth that I am and once she sets her mind on something NOTHING will stop her from making it happen.

I came home to the Metal Tool Shed being emptied of its contents and the Dog Kennel Panels rearranged around it and Her with a roll of Chicken wire fencing she was laying across the top.  Big Smiles.  Problem solved Mom.  We now have a Chicken Coop.

I think we started out with 10 Baby Chicks.  The cat Ate One.  Buddy, the BigFatNewfieCollieCrossPoundDogHunterExtroidanaire, ate four of them.  So now we have 4 Actual 'Working Chickens' and one Fucking Rooster.  I hate Roosters.  And I'm surprised my daughter doesn't also.  She was attacked and scarred by a dog but she still loves Dogs.  So there you are. 

 For my house warming present My Nephew, who loved chickens too,  graciously brought me two Baby Roosters.  I thought they were absolutely adorable.  Running around together in the Field and the Yard.  So Cute.  I liked them a little less when they decided to Roost under my bedroom window on the Porch Swing.  No matter how many times I locked the little bastards down in the Barn they'd end up Crowing ALL Night long.... under my Window...having apparently missed the Roosters Crow at Sunrise Class.

  As they grew older they grew a tad more aggressive but I wasn't concerned.  Little kick with your Toe and they backed right off.    And SOooooo.  I did not listen......  When  Lacey came running into the house one day, sweating and out of breath, barely able to get the words out, "THEY TRIED TO KILL ME MOM".  

She repeated this scenario every day for about a month, until I lost my patience one day and screamed back at her, "O for fuck sake Lacey stop being so Melodramatic.  They are Chickens.  They are NOT going to Kill You". 

For the next month she refused to go outside unless she carried a weapon with her.  It started with a shoe or rubber boot but quickly progressed into the handle of the broom.  Her trips outside were quick and stealthy.  I'd watch her sneaking around the trees and the rock piles while trying to make her way down to the barn to throw hay to the horse and I'd smile inwardly at her cute little game. 

Then one day.  They tried to Kill Me. 

 We were heading to the store.  I had my purse in one hand.  Lacey had her Broom handle in hers.  She did her little 'thing' where she cracked the door open only slightly... poked just the top of her head out far enough to see around the door frame... then she took off like a flash for the car.  I rolled my eyes and gave a Big Sigh.. thinking how tiresome it had become... and headed out to the car myself.

 I heard the swooooshing' of the air being cut by feet and feathers first... I cocked my head to the side, pausing and listening and ......wondering.    I barely turned and could see them literally flying at break neck speed around the Corner.  Surely they hadn't heard the door open and were tracking us?  These thoughts barely formed in my head when the first one came off the Ground,  looking much Like a B52 Bomber... flew threw the air and  Landed on  my head!    Talons dug deep into my scalp, Feathers Flapping Wildly as he was surely trying to lift my head off the top of my body.  I'm screaming and dancing around trying to Knock him off.  Complete Panic taking over.    I  manage to look up through the flapping wings to see my daughter poke her head out of the car and yell, "O Mom... don't be so Melodramatic... They are just chickens and will NOT kill You!"... and she slams the door shut and Locks it. 

They didn't kill Me but not for lack of trying.  I eventually whacked both of them enough times with my purse and legs and arms and I think maybe even teeth....

One hour later a 'skunk' or 'something' shot and killed them and they are buried somewhere in the Field... close to the Barn... 3 Feet Down.    And I am terrified of Chickens to this day.

The lesson I have learned here.  Listen to your kids.  I mean seriously.  All the signs were There. 




The Monster No Longer Lives in My Closet!

Yesterday I walked out of the Court House with the Uncontested Intent to Move Modification Papers (whew... now that's a mouthful) IE:  The Freedom to live somewhere besides Flathead Valley and not lose Custody of my Daughter.

 But it was so much more than just that.  It was the Freedom to NOT have to live in the same town as the man who has Bullied and Controlled me since I was 13 years old.  It was closure to a  9 Year Constant Custody Battle over our two Daughters. One of which  is 19 and lives like a gypsy, never laying her head down long enough anywhere to actually call home.  A repurcussion I am sure comes from being pulled back and forth between the two of us.... she was older... she Saw & Remembers More.

It was closure to  almost 30 years of being Intimidated & Manipulated & Hurt by this One Man. 

Yesterday I kicked up my heels and yelled in my head, "You can't own Me.  Or Hurt Me. Or Use our daughters to Hurt Me.  Ever again!"  And I let it Go.  Felt it Go. 

I was Elated.  The kind of Elated that makes you scream, 'YES' OUT LOUD... your legs jump up and down, arms waving around... Body completely out of control with Positive Energy... Dancing kind of Elated....  After  Years of Battling with This Man ... I feel FREE for the VERY first time!!!

I started Dating Him when I was 13.  Married Him at 19.  Divorced Him... a Scared Broken but Determined Woman at 32.  I thought I'd be FREE of Him then.  This is where I insert 'sarcastic laughing and snorting'.  The Reality is that with that Divorce and consequential Detailed Parental Agreement my ex husband and the Family Court System  gained more control over my life than I EVER dreamt possible.  Unless I wanted to give up Custody of my kids.  Which would have happened ONLY over my dead decomposing body. 

  If I had a dime for every time I wish I had had Invitro... I'd be a millionaire.  I have literally wished away the last 9 years.  It has been one of my Biggest Regrets.  I didn't get to be the  Mother I wanted to be  because it was such a Battle with their Father to get to be One. 

The littlest Things turned into Enormous Battles and Hour long Phone Conversations....usually resulting in my phone ending up in bits at the bottom of the Wall it was Flung Against.  It has been Exhausting.

I thought the fighting was bad when we were married.  I had NO idea.   I remember what he told me the night I said I wanted a Divorce, like it was Yesterday.  He stood there with the Deed to His House in His Pocket,  His exact words were, "If you Leave me, I will make Your Life miserable!  I will bring in Women who will be the MOTHER to MY Children and I will NOT financially support you, and you won't leave with My kids".  It was probably the only thing I think he has ever said that he completely Stood by.   Persistantly Stood by.  When I have been able to take a step off the 'wheel' and actually jump outside the Gerbil Cage,  I can admire his Tenacity and Persistance at making my Life completely miserable.  

I've been reported to Family Court for not having Tire Treads the right Depth & Coats with Broken Zippers.  Battles to constantly reduce Child Support.  Fights over changing Schools or Residences.  Lost Custody for a short time because I couldn't afford to Provide a Private Bedroom.  Fights over whose Holiday it was until I quit giving a shit about the Holidays completely, rarely even puttin up a Christmas Tree anymore.  I even spent a month having to drop my daughter off every night at his girlfriends house while he was a State away working, sneaking her a Cell Phone because 'said' GF wouldn't allow her to talk to me while at her house.  Thousands of Dollars in Legal Fees & Lost Work Hours.  Weekly Schedule Changes around his Job and HIS Life.  AND Always the Negotiations... Monthly, Weekly, Daily.  There were times that I swear I talked to him more Divorced than we EVER did Married.  Plan Plan AND Plan.  Break the Plan so we can Plan some more.  OMG.  Synchronize Your Watches folks its almost Dad's Weekend.

The crazy thing is now I look back and I wish I could have had some perspective.  Stop and BREATH before I reacted.  I was like a Pop Up Doll.  Push this Button and I Jump.  This one and I Scream.  This one and I'll break every fucking dish in the kitchen.  Given the fact that I'd been with this man since I was Basically 13 he knew EVERY Button to Push.  And he did.  Until I short circuited one day and ended up running down the road barefoot screaming that I wanted to kill him with my bare hands and a toothpick.  It was then that God got out a REALLY big 2x4 and knocked me on my ass before I ended up in Jail with splinters in my hands.  My calf muscle torn from the base of my heel all the way to my knee.  The worst tear the doctor had EVER seen.  It swelled and filled with blood and I didn't walk normally for almost a year and a half.  The first 3 months I laid on a couch with my leg in the air contemplating my "Anger Issues" towards my Ex Husband.  It was then that I knew I had to find a way to STOP letting him push my buttons.  Ya' think. 

I had lost everything.  He had taken both my daughters and convinced one to live with him.  I couldn't walk.  I couldn't get off the couch to break anything.  I was Stuck with Myself.  It was the catalyst that brought Much Needed Change to my LIFE.  It was there I learned what having NO control over your life or that of your Childrens lives, really meant.  Painfully and Slowly I decided I better learn to LET Go.  Because I wasn't so sure I could survive God's Next 2x4.  I was actually kind of afraid he'd start using something Bigger.  Like a Lightening Bolt or Something. 

It was the beginning of my Journey into Land of No Fear.  I had to quit being afraid of How he could Hurt Me ...in order to NOT be afraid of Him hurting Me... in order for Him to Stop Being able to Hurt Me.

 Seems Easy.  Especially for those who have never been in this type of Relationship for the better part of their Life.  For me, It has obviously been a Painful and Slow Journey that left me with many Healed Scars.  I hurt my leg 3 years ago.  I just found Freedom Yesterday.  I've already admitted my propensity for slow learning so this shouldn't be a new revelation. 

Still being me I had actually thought for a Moment that he signed the papers because he had realized how Powerful and Strong I had become and that I wasnt' Afraid of Him anymore.  HA.  Funny Shit.  He only signed the Papers because he has found a New Family to take over and Control and someone elses Ex to Bully and Beat Up.  Sorry New Family.  But Good Riddance for Me.  Its interesting how we all seem to keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again.  I think maybe its why God decided to NOT let us Live for 900 years anymore. 

And so.  The Monster No Longer Lives in My Closet!  I am Free.  From More than I can even write about.  My feet are tappin'... My Heart is Smilin' ...  Life is Good and it Just Keeps Getting Better.

Am I missing a Sign Here?

My Flood lights at the Coffee Shop ALL burned out. THIS MORNING....   ALL 3 of them...

AND

I've had 3  customers this morning.  All Morning.  3. That is just CRAZY RIDICULOUS!  So I'm sitting here thinking... OK... UNIVERSE... I clearly see a sign here. Give me another one please because Im so frign' stupid that I need several at the same time in order to actually get the picture you are trying to paint for me.....

Ding... theres a Text.... from... a company out of Kalispell. She'll have a 'Decision' in 3 weeks and she is wrapping a lot of her future plans around buying my Coffee Shop (we've been discussing the sale off and on...  since June).


So as I'm making my Pita Sandwich and placing it on the Espresso Machine to heat Up for lunch.... cuz it's MY shop and I'll do that if I want to... . and I"m thinking.... I wonder if its a sign... this Monday Morning is full of signs.. I think... but I'm not sure... maybe... hmmmm...maybe the universe is throwing me a bone and saying.. hey dumbass... I don't want you sitting in this 10x12 hotbox all winter (working for FREE while the Other Two So~Called Partners pretend they don't have a Business to help with ... yes there are 3 Partners)   and wondering how you are going to buy a pair of new underwear when your last pair falls off your fucking body....... Cuz... God is good to me like that. Just when I need a 2x4... there it is....

3 Partners
3 Burned out lights
3 Customers
3 Text messages from Possible Buyer for Coffee Shop
3 Depressing Feedback Emails from Realtor... NO Offers.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...  and then there is this Revelation;  

I'm moving to Eureka in January. 3 months from Today.  Am I reading to much into this '3' thing?...

If my house doesn't sell by January I'm giving it back to Alaska Man.  It's his turn to live in the 3 story house that costs $400.00 a month to heat and $1600.00 a month to keep the Foreclosure Man from taping Notes on the Door. 

It's his turn to sit in the Quiet Lonliness of those four walls,  that houses so many Broken Dreams and Memories.   Many a Night I sat alone in That House and have contemplated my Past, Present and  Current state of Limbo.  It's like Ground Hogs Day over and over. 

 AND WOW.... THE ridiculousness of my attempting to re~create that dream 3 seperate times in that very Same house with the end result being the Same.    Stick a fork in me Sam... I'm done. 

The first time I saw that 'Beautiful Barn Style House'  it was with DumbAss.  We were living in a trailer at Whitebirch Lane (where he still lives btw).  I of course harbored all these dreams to raise a family in the Perfect White Picket Fence house setting.  This house fit that bill.  A little Pasture for a Pony.  Out in the country.  Amazing view of Glacier Park and Big Mountain.  Of course DumbAss hated it.  Everything about it.  I think he only hated it because I loved it.  That's how we rolled back then.  We ended up in a fight that lasted so long and was so awful that upon seeing my oldest daughter Rocking back and Forth at the kitchen table with her head stuck between her legs, we went to our First Marriage Councelor. 

The second time I saw this house I was married to Alaska Man.  We were looking for a house in town and I saw an ad in the paper and I instantly knew it was THIS house.   He wrote a check to hold it; without even looking at it.  Lord knows he had HEARD about this damn house enough.  Crazy thing is he was NEVER really happy in this house.  Intense and Angry from the Moment we moved in.  I don't think he ever really 'Lived' in that House.

The 3rd  and final time ...  that I attempted to move a man into this house was with CrazyDude Short Lived Boy Friend.  He actually had a drawing under his bed of 'his' Dream House... Creepily enough it was of a 'Barn Style House'.  Well that 'Plan' was a fiasco and a 'too embarrassing' show of my obvious level of low self esteem and stupidity to even waste time describing.  It lasted... OMYGOD... 3 Months.  (Seriously... I am NOT making this shit up).

Three Times I have tried to re~create the Leave it to Beaver Family in this House.  There won't be a Fourth.  Cuz I'm quick like that.  I think I'll take a hint from the Universe... Hint...  haha...  I mean seriously... how many bruises from the 2x4 does a girl need before she sees a clear answer.  

So... Good bye House & Hopefully Shop & the ill~fated Partnerships...  I'm breaking up with You... I'm OVER YOU. 

Movin ON.... I am so ready to KICK that DOOR closed and MOVE ON....  I see the LIGHT at the END of the Tunnel and I'm moving steadily towards it... breaking out into a run  every now and then... .when no one is looking.....

Kiki & China

Yesterday I got to watch my nephews Fall Singing Concert. Mostly children’s concerts can be very painful but this one was short and sweet and the kids actually did very well. Those who participated and weren’t standing there poking their neighbor in the ribs or giggling that is.


With my sister on one side and my best friend and boyfriend on the other side, I was rather content. Maybe a little bored with myself and wishing they served wine & cheese at these events, but content. It was then that I had this total clarity that I was where I was supposed to be.

Obviously I need to BE wherever Tim is, as he is the Other Half of Me. But what I realized was how much I’ve missed hanging out with my sister.

We are 10 months apart. We look a lot alike and we can laugh over almost anything. Over the years we have shared some pretty spectacular moments together and have gotten ourselves in more than a few ‘pickles’.

One of my favorites was our Thanksgiving Dinner that Never Happened. It wasn’t really our fault. I was married to Dumbass and as always he was snowmobiling and hanging out with the boys, leaving me to tend to the home front all by myself. This time he took my Sisters husband with her. So it’s Dumbass’s fault. They were late. And we got distracted by the Huckleberry Daiquiris, that being AFTER we ran out of Strawberry’s. The men came home to us sitting in the hot tub, the babies propped in car seats next to it, Us, with a Large Turkey Leg in one hand and a Daiquiri in the other. Great Big Purple Seedy Smiles on our faces. Sorry boys. No mashed ‘taters’ for you. In my Esteemed Opinion it was one of the BEST Thanksgivings Ever.

Besides being so close because we are almost Twins, our very first Bonding Moment was the discovery that Kiki was not really the name of our Vagina … but instead a Little Girl in a series of books.

I’m not sure what ever possesses a Mother to Lie to their Child in such a manner as this. One that could forever scar them. But ours did. Nobody ever said the word Vagina. It was a Kiki. You can imagine our shock when we discovered the very first series of books on Kiki, in the back of the Traveling Book Mobile that came to Fortine. It was There on the floor between the little tight aisles that Charie and I got our first look at the REAL Kiki. Years later we still laugh over Kiki going to Washington. Kiki walks in the Rain. Kiki gets a Teddy Bear. Even as adults, we have made up a few of our own ‘Adventures for Kiki’. Those ‘Kiki’ books were such a Great Find for us and still an opportunity for Hilarity when Bored.

Being a much better Mom than My Mother ever was, I of course made sure that My children new it was a Vagina. Or I tried to. Its just such a weird word. For sure. My 3 year old for the longest time shortened it to China. And I let her. (Sigh) … this brought all sorts of Dilemma’s. Like “MOM… Why is there’s a Fire in Someone’s China’ or wide eyed knowing statements like, ’Did you know my Green Gumby Guy was MADE in CHINA’ … the hardest one to explain was why I was so pissed at her Dumbass father for Breaking my China… that I had gotten for our wedding’. Seriously. Maybe Kiki wasn’t so bad.

When our kids were little, my sister and I, spent almost 3 days a week together. Gorging on M&M’s and Diet Pepsi. Crafting and Painting crap I have no idea what happened to. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I would sit in a rocker and watch my sister sew Quilts while her baby son lay on my belly. Those were some of the Best Moments.

And so I look forward to this next phase of my life where I can take that step to move closer to the Man that I want to spend my Life with and my Little Sister and her children.

I feel like I am finally going Home Again. HA.…. Kiki goes Home…. Hahahahahaa …

You can’t give what you haven’t yet received.

I used to think that I loved all the people in my life Unconditionally. I now realize that it was impossible for me to do that since I was completely unaware of what it actually meant.

We are conditioned from Birth to have an idea in our head of what Love and Family is and anything that falls outside those borders is unacceptable or dysfunctional. In my head Love was always Warm and Fuzzy never Hot or Angry. Even though I grew up with the Latter but desired the Other.

If you were angry with me then you didn’t love me. It was a pretty simple concept and one that I held on to for the better part of my Life.

For the most part, I believe, that we get our concepts of these things from the environment that we are raised in. So yes, I am pre-disposed to blame my parents. Isn’t everything always our Parents fault. Ha. I would say this is Truth but I’ve discovered sometimes even someone raised in a perfect “Leave it to Beaver’ family can grow up feeling insecure and unaccepted, settling for any morsels of Validation and Love that comes their way but still feeling empty when it does.

I grew up in a household of Chaos and Conflict. So I have inevitably been a Seeker of Both. Its natural evolution to fall into the same patterns that you lived with as a child. It takes a strong Will and Determination to change and to grow apart from your History, that which for the most part I believe I have been able to do. However, I will admit, Being the change in the world that you want to see is a LOT more difficult than it sounds.

I’m not sure if I was drawn to Negative, Controlling and Angry People or if they were drawn to me. It doesn’t really matter. Up until last year it was simply the Reality of my Life. My Aunt says that it’s the simplicity with which I am able to be Manipulated by the People I seek Love From. Translated that means that my spinal cord is made of Jelly and I’m an ‘easy mark’.

I tend to agree with her, wanting to change it and be stronger, but unsure of how to go about this sometimes. It just goes against the very Nature of who I am. Saying “No” and standing up for myself, is as difficult as pulling Teeth out of a cats ass.

Growing up, Love always felt conditional. I’m not sure if that is an actual Truth or if it was just a Thought in my head. In a way I was judging other peoples love of me, assuming it was Conditional. I ask myself now, what goes on inside a persons head that makes them feel this way from the beginning. Worthless and unlovable? Regardless of the Why or the What, its what created the People Pleasing Personality trait that has plagued me my entire life.

I have fought the impulse to do and say whatever it takes to make the people in my life show me love and affection. Quite often losing the battle. I don’t remember it always being this exhausting, but as of late, I’m OVER it. What I’ve discovered is that no matter how hard you try or how good you are able to lie to yourself or to those around you, or how often you Go the extra mile, you don’t get loved any more or any less for the Things that you Do.

Your Loved by the People you are supposed to be Loved by, at that Time in your Life. And Love comes in so many Forms that its impossible to put it in a Neat and Tidy Box. Your loved by your Dog differently than by your Mother or your Mate. Take it for what it is.

Unconditional Love is a rare gift. So when you find it and recognize it, you should honor it and Never take it for Granted.

I don't know if its that I have finally accepted being Loved or that I am chosing different People to Love.  Maybe a lot of Both.  Now, I know that I have several People in my Life that I Love unconditionally, because I finally feel that I too, am loved by many in the same way.

So I can now Freely give what I know I have already Received.  Life is just Good like That.

From my Bubble Right back into Yours

Every person has their own Reality based on which part of the Life Pie they are standing in and have already walked through.


The day I realized this, it was like a major revelation for me. Should have been a no~brainer… seems like such a simple concept. Sometimes these things come slow to me.

I mean. Wow. Does this mean that no matter how much I talk that I am NOT going to be able to get someone else to 'see the sky' from the very spot of grass that I am standing on.  And why,  given that knowledge and  regardless of my brain sending me clear messages to shut the hell up,  do I continue to go on and on and on? 

The good thing is that I am realizing that I need to accept that other peoples opinions are just that. Their Opinions. And mostly they have nothing to do with me even if they are directed at me. Their Opinions of my Life & how I should live it, are most often based on their Own Journey through Life. And Vise Versa. I find myself giving the very same advice I should be taking. ALL the TIME.

Once I understand and remember that while I see Blue Skies, they may just see the Cloud in the Corner, I am able to FREE myself from Emotional Attachment to Their Version of my Reality.

Not that sometimes those who love me the most can’t clearly see me walking into the same closed door over and over again and feel perpetually responsible to call out to me just before I do. Rarely do I heed their advice to stop. For whatever reason I am compelled to make the same mistakes over and over again, learning my lessons the hard way, usually stumbling upon the ‘Right’ Choice for me by accident. But taking full credit for it anyway.

Why has this been so hard for me? Because in general I think we all Desperately seek out the same thing. Validation, Acceptance, Love. And when we don’t get that we assume that we are not worthy of it. Or that someone else is to blame because we have not found it. Instead of seeing that for whatever reason we have stumbled off our Path and have been turning over all the wrong Rocks.

“Someone’, who used to be close to me, told me that I was Negative and Angry. This is when I first realized that ‘their’ Truth and Mine were not the same at all.  Maybe at one time that was Me.. but now... not only do I no longer see those traits in myself, but its actually the very same traits that I see in them. I had this mental image of their Words bouncing off my bubble and Landing right back in theirs. After that I could walk away from that conversation with only Minor Wounds.

My ex husband told my daughter this summer that he hates me because he blames me for him and his second wife not being able to make their relationship work. She apparantly was his Soul Mate.  Somehow, from the distance of my own Life,  I single handedly ruined it.  Hmmm.  Even our Daughter, with only 15 years of Life Experience doubted my responsibility for this failed relationship.  But, as you can imagine, I had to snap my jaw back in place when she repeated this information to me.   It was, after all, a Surprise that this is where his anger has stemmed from.   I thought he was just mad because 'I got' the Last Fourth of July. HA.

CLEARLY my reality and truth of that situation is much different. May those Words bounce off my bubble and knock him on his ass when they land back in his. I mean really? It’s my fault he couldn’t make the 2nd Marriage work that he started before he was even divorced from his first wife/Me? Hello? If I couldn't make OUR marriage work I certainly don't have the Skills or Magical Powers to make THEIR marriage work. 

It did release me from ever feeling that I needed to make an attempt to be ‘friendly’ with the Dumbass. Clearly he is harboring some anger issues that not only do I have nothing to do with, but that I can not change. I’m not so obtuse as to not realize that I can NOT convince him of anything other than what he has determined to be the Truth in his own mind.   It is Obviously easier to blame all future failed relationships on that of your Evil Ex Wife than to take responsibilty yourself. 

I understand that.  It can be excruciating to look inward and see the Choices we have made in our Life and to accept it for what it is.  No justification.  It is only the bravest or the most desperate who ever actually do it.  I find that it is only when I have been knocked flat, that I am GIVEN the opportunity to contemplate these things without any Will of my Own.  Otherwise I doubt that I would venture there either.  God has just never given me a Choice.  When I'm hard of hearing and refuse to Listen.  He gets out the 2x4. 

A 'Stand Back View' of his Truth of me (and by 'his' ... I'm talking about the Ex hubby.. not God... despite the fact that the Ex may be confused about the distinction)   gave me nothing more than Freedom from his Opinions... 

But why did it take me 9 years to get there. 9 years to realize that his anger and blackness towards ME had nothing to do with ME. For God’s sake. The energy I could have saved had I realized this Truth from the beginning. Here I was taking it personally and thinking I had the Power to change it. If I gave up holidays, Never asked for an increase in child support but instead watched it dwindle to Almost Nothing as he made more and more money, If I was just a good enough Ex-Wife he’d stop being a Dick. Ya. Ha. Now that IS funny. He’s still Pissed. In fact after all of my Super Woman Attempts at being the Perfect Ex Wife he’s madder than EVER before.  There is a surplus of Wood beside his Fire and he just keeps throwin' it on.  Go figure.

I use this Revelation of Paradoxical Truths on even Random People.. Like the lady who came through the coffee shop and yelled, “I don’t want a fuckin’ scone… I want a goddamn muffin”…. clearly that wasn’t about me or my offer of a Freshly Baked Scone. I can look at her with one eye brow sitting on my hairline and say nothing because I know that she isn’t really even Seeing Me. She’s yelling at someone else. About something other than Muffins.

I get that Life is Hard.  Mine hasn't been all Peaches and Cream... But Seriously... If you want a Muffin. Go get a Muffin. Stop blaming everyone else because you don’t know where to find one or because you refuse to pick up the one that has been sitting there right in front of you the whole time. 

As for me.  I FOUND MY MUFFIN....AND I'M ENJOYING IT UNDER THE BLUE CLOUDLESS SKY!    :0)

In Memory of Ricky Wilson

Today is the Funeral of my cousin who ended his own life.  My heart is sad for those that he left behind filled with Grief and Guilt and Confusion. 

I can imagine, only a little, what must take place in someones mind during such a moment.  I have been close to that cliff only once in my life.  It was the night after I buried my twins.  My Loss seemed so unbearable.  I could not see past the blackness and the hurt.  My Bubble seemed small and full of no Hope only Pain.  I didn't think it would ever diminish.  But it did.

Even with a bottle of Cheap Champagne all I could think about was how Permanent it would be.  That's the ultimate 'no going back' decision.  And it leaves so much Pain in its Wake.  It's a Regret you can't fix.

I can barely remember the last time I even saw my cousin Ricky.  I really have only one memory of him, racing around my Grandmother's house on his little red tricycle.  It was snowing outside. 

That's the kind of Grandma we had.  The most amazing kind.  There was always a candy drawer full of treats.  A cupboard full of snow clothes, mittens and pants that never fit right.  A little table we got to drag out into the living room so we could make PlayDoh pies.  And we were always allowed to rollerskate or ride our trikes thru out the house. 

It's hard to imagine how that little boy tearing up the lineoleum with a sucker hanging out of his mouth got from There to Here.  Life happened.  And the in between was  was just to much.  Now he rests where ever it is that Heaven resides.  And his Wife, Child, Parents, Sister and Friends will be left to keep Living. 

Even if we don't know the person very well, I think we can learn something from Every Death that happens in our Circle of Life. 

We can become more grateful for the Moments we have with the People that we Love.  We can make an effort to see those that we haven't seen in a long while.  Maybe our lips are loosened and we say the things we think we should have said for a long time.  Or maybe we learn that we don't need to say Everything that comes to mind.

As for me.  I am thankful for the blue skies and sunshine and for the People in my Life who tell me AND show me that they love me... not just because there is a Tragedy... but all the time.

May the People closest and most affected by Ricky's death find Peace.