I was born scared. Fear was in control of my body & my soul. It made all of the decisions for me for about 30+ years. It didn’t help that I was born to a woman of Anger and Pain herself. Someone who could rant about a Green Bean Casserole being White Trash Food for hours. I love Green Bean Casserole. Of course.
Being afraid all the time.. well, that all changed for me. Without my permission or my help. I'm not sure when I realized that I wasn't afraid anymore. At some point I just accepted that things might not go according to my high and mighty plans and visualized myself laying on my back in the midst of a warm stream, not that any of those really exist in Montana. They are all butt cold. But regardless, its my vision and the streams are warm. And I'm floating down it, trying to not hit any of the boulders in my way.
I think it was when my Daughter moved out of the house & I ended up in an expensive custody battle with my dumbass First Ex-Husband, My second husband lived in the garage for a year then slipped off to Alaska to work or fish (I'm not sure which), I lost my job due to the economy and then recieved my first Foreclosure Notice in the mail. I laid down on the grass with the Notice on my chest and I cried. And cried some more. Then I wiped the tears off and thought. Fuck. I checked my pulse. Heart still beating. Blood still Flowing. Ok. The things I had feared the most had happened and I hadn't died. So. I wiped the tears, rolled my self over and dragged my tired body into the house that I was about ready to lose.
A year later I'm still trying not to lose the house. I still have a roof over my head. I had a major 'Pissed-Off-Wife-Husband-Left-for-Alaska-Garage-Sale and paid a couple months mortgage. (Note to self Honey... Don't leave the Garage Door Unlocked and head to Alaska.. HA). I divorced the man who went to Alaska. And I sold my soul to Satan by opening up a business with My Mother. And my BestFriend. Neither of whom are now speaking to me.
Life.Land.People. Just keeps changing and evolving whether we are in for the ride or not.
- SuzyQ
- Just LIVE.LOVE.BE. Everything else around you will evolve and change whether you ride the river or fight it and swim upstream. The only difference is how tired you'll be when you come to the end. That’s what this Blog is about. My journey and what I have and have NOT learned along the way.
1 comment:
I always hear... you are stronger than you think.. for me.. my sister is stronger than me. Streams and waters.. seriously... you and I have lived in the irrigation ditch that nobody and everybody has owned the water rights to. Divorces are as ugly as a hairless chihuaha... honestly.. people breed that variety just so we have something ugly to poke at. I hear ya sista on the ugly divorce... nothing like sweatin plutonium...
then there's the money situation... I grew up watching days of our lives... I can not remember them ever paying a bill... no licking the stamp... no mail slot.. nadda.. and god forbid the ugly neon yellow foreclosure sticker on the door. (as I hang up on a creditor... I think wtf.. what am I going to say. and will they believe me.. and nope. they don't. I'm calling them for a job soon.
Run... don't walk... send the devil to Georgia... :)
no matter what.. I'm still glad you are older than me... ;) love C.
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