Ha... Not really...... It was just a momentary thought in my head.... There & Gone before I could act on it.
Let me explain. Last Night the Alaska Ex sent me a picture of his Christmas Tree. In my house. It took me a minute to realize that the Tree was sitting by the door that overlooked the view that I loved so much, a long time ago. In a House that I begged, borrowed and pleaded & practically sold my soul to keep for the last 2 years. Or more. Really a lot more.
At first I wasn't sure why the hell he would do such a thing. Then I decided it didn't matter. Ok. Obviously it matters or I wouldn't be writing about it. I think he is taunting me with 'what could have been' or 'what could be'. I'm not sure what his agenda was and it doesn't really matter. I can only deal with the why & how on my end.
My first emotion was an indignant WTF. I had to fight a strong urge to send him a Photo Shop picture of me and Tim standing in front of a Decorated Palm tree in Hawaii. Or one of us Naked & Making Mad Passionate love in front of our Own Christmas Tree. Photo Shopped 20lbs thinner of course. Wrong. I know. The only place you should lie about your weight is your Drivers License. That's why I didn't do it. That and a Multitude of other Obvious Ones. And FYI, it was only in my head for a split second. A short enough span of time that I'm almost positive "Karma" never even saw it. But I've been wrong about that before so I'm not going to count on it.
I am happier and more content than I have ever been. So why does it stick in my craw like a jalapeño flavored toothpick stuck sideways?
Pride. It's definitely Pride. That 'Thing' that can fill our spine and hold us up when we need it.... and then in the next moment can drag us down.... when we don't.
My decision to Rent/Give back the House to Alaska Man was not an easy one. Yes. You heard it right. Rent. Its not really the right choice of Words but what else do you call it when the House Deed and Mortgage is in my name but he is paying the bill and I don't live there. There is not a good word for that. Except Fucked. And since its Christmas that would be completely inappropriate and bad Karma. I'm just sayin'.
And ..... Because of the Banks and Lenders stubbornness & complete unwillingness to think outside the box... it will probably remain that way until its paid off, sells or one of us Dies. Given the Housing Market, I have a bad feeling about which will come first.
My Pride and I had several discussions about this House & what to do with it. Eventually the accruing fuel bill from driving back and forth to Eureka to spend time with the Love of My Life.... the selling of the coffee shop.... along with the ridiculous & persistent nagging of my mortgage company to pay in a timely fashion..... and the $300.00 electric bill for a house that only two people lived in ... well, these things certainly helped to seal the deal. I had to put Pride aside. And FYI: Right now She is laying wounded on a bed of Crow.
The House that I fought so hard to keep. Is now His Again. And it is as it should be. If we put into perspective that Nothing really Belongs to Us and we are simply using it for a short time while we Journey here. Then its all Relative and Good.
The lesson I have learned in all of this: Thank God there are no battery's in the camera! I'm just sayin'...
- SuzyQ
- Just LIVE.LOVE.BE. Everything else around you will evolve and change whether you ride the river or fight it and swim upstream. The only difference is how tired you'll be when you come to the end. That’s what this Blog is about. My journey and what I have and have NOT learned along the way.
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3 comments:
to much "i am just sayin" first couple funny... then over used
That's the BEST ya got...wasn't even worth logging in for.... I"m just sayin'.....
Hi! It's the friend-that-shares-the-ex :)
And who needs to be 'anonymous' to post a lil 'ol comment like that??? hahaha boy I wish that was the harshest thing I'D ever SAID or HEARD! I'm jus' sayin'.... ;)
Anyway, I'm reading all the posts I've missed. I remember the times over the last year...or two...or FIVE...that we've talked and laughed and talked about Pride and What We Deserve and How We Deserve To Be Treated.....Whew....
And I'm in desperate need of drunken exposure...the kind you experience when you hang out on the deck over the beautiful creek view drinking Bottles of Wine together, progressively becoming more and more Funny (at least we think so). :)
You know me...Queen of 'Susan, you should get out of the Relationship You Are In'. Queen of 'Susan, you deserve to be Treated Better Than That'. Queen of 'Let yourself be in a Healthy Relationship'. WTF.
Over the last year+ I met the Love Of MY Life...my Soulmate. When I was least expecting it. After I was thrilled to discover I was soooo happy & content on my own and actually HAD been for a couple of years. He is Stubborn, Sometimes-Ornery, Loyal, Giving, Funny, Strong, Selfless, Independent, Dependent, SOULMATE. Loves horses and riding..actually all animals, family, friends, works hard, plays harder... We think the same and we love the same things....And over the last year I have done everything in my power to remain Stubborn, Sometimes-Ornery, Loyal, Giving, Funny, Strong, Selfless, Independent......and NOT Dependent! Not Me! No Way....I can take care of EVERYTHING. I absolutely adore this man...he goes through life being himself Like it or Leave it, taking care of Everyone Around Him...but what I could see almost from the beginning, he was wishing somebody would take care of him. So....I step in. And I do my best...and he deserves it...and he's extremely grateful and appreciative. But God Forbid that Chloe should bend a little....Just A Lil....and let her guard down. And let somebody take care of her...My Soulmate listens to me be all Tuff and Independent and he goes, "Ok, when you get done thinkin about that, let me know how it worked out. In the meantime, I'm gonna take care of some stuff..." And I SIGH cuz I don't REALLY want to be Tuff and Independent. I want somebody to Just Take Care Of Me....And he does.
So I'm feelin the need to drink with my Friend Susan....and figure this Shit out :)
I miss you....
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