My New Blog Site

www.thewatersdeep.com     ;0)

Will You Marry ME?

I met with my oldest daughter yesterday.  I love that Girl!!!!!  I look and listen .... and SEE myself at 19. 

She is ‘niss’ a baby… as my ‘otha motha Bonnie would have said’….                

Typically 19, in that she Party’s and is Living Life at Large.

 The thing that most people don’t see about her is that deep inside she is an old soul.  I saw it when she was about 3.  She told me that she had been talking with Jesus in her bedroom.  When I asked her what He said, she looked at me, smiled and said, “Momma!  That’s between Me and God”.  I’m assuming that her Spiritual Journey has yet to begin.  And, I hope,  What a Great Journey that will Be. 

She has the Basics…. I’m just hoping she’ll have the strength to flip the Top Off that Box.  It can get Pretty Heavy. 

Regardless of how frivolous and avant-garde’ my oldest daughter comes across; she really gets things on a deeper level than most will ever see.  Or ever want to see.  More than she Now sees. 

We were discussing the statement from my BF…boy friend…best friend… yes both… well, we were discussing the fact that he has told me that he’s not sure if he will Ever be ready to get married again.  To clarify:  He actually said he’s not sure if he’ll be ready in 6months, 1 year or 2 or 5.  

 

I heard:  “I will Never be ready to get married again”… exclamation point…exclamation point. 

Poor Man.  

I"m quite sure he was wishing that he had Never even answered "That" question.  

His Answer....  of course…..  discombobulates me.

42 AND NOT married.  If we had a class reunion right now… I’d be THAT girl.  ARGGGG.

 I know I need to NOT take this personally.  However. 

It’s like a big Crooked Spike in my Railroad Track. 

One, That I’m not yet sure what to do with.  Leave It.  Stop at It.  Jump Over it. Plow through It.  Convince all Parties concerned it doesn’t exist.  Take a Hammer and Beat it to Death…..   FuckODeer.  It is a conundrum.

My daughters advice was from a Horoscope or Fortune Cookie, that she’d read this week:  “you will seek Marriage for Happiness but you will never find That particular Happiness in Marriage’.

She looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Momma.  Maybe that’s you.  Maybe you will only find “That” Happiness with just You.  Not sayin’ you shouldn’t ‘be’ with Who you are with.  But maybe….   You need to be OK with Not being ‘Married’.” 

Really?  My Oldest daughter is ‘telling’ me to stop getting married?  Or at the Very Least, stop Wanting to get Married.

Maybe this is how my Mother felt the 4rth or 5^th time my Amazingly Beautiful Grandmother tied the ‘knot’.   (My disclaimer:  I have NOT been married more than twice and I’m not nearly as amazingly beautiful as my grandmother was).

 

Maybe that is what I’m supposed to be ‘Learning’ right now.  Stop jumpin off the Cliff.  Stop Being Afraid to be Just You. 

 From the Mouth of My Child.  And just when I thought I was so much smarter than Her.

Dammit.  

I want to Learn what I Want to Learn.  Not what I Need to Learn. 

My whole life, from as far as I can remember, All I ever wanted was to be a Wife and a Mom.  It’s like, how some people,  want to be a lawyer or a doctor.  So, they grow up either arguing or helping.  I grew up,  just wanting to Love a Man and to take care of him.  I grew up dreaming about being Married.  

Twice Divorced I’m now thinking that maybe being a Lawyer or a Neurosurgeon would have been easier than being Married.  I'm just sayin.... 

In the End…. I know that My Journey really Begins and end with Just Me and God.  So I suppose that in the Middle I should get used to that.  And the rest will fit in.

But Damn.  He’s just so Quiet most of the Time. 

I almost Forget that He is There.

*sigh*

What Have I Learned.....   That I really Know Nothing…. Other than I don’t get to be in Control.  Dammit. 

I need to just be ME.  I am not just a Wife or a Girlfriend. Or a Friend. Or a Sister.  Or an Aunt.

 I am not just a Mom.

In The Beginning.. I was Born with ME… In the End… I Die with ME…

I better learn to Like Me.  Just Me. 

I need to be more than OK with That.

I need to Dance On It.

Watch OUT… Coming Soon… Crazy Woman..

Dancing in the Streets…   Lovin' Life and Lovin' Herself.

YES... I think I will Marry ME............   

I was GOING to Cry in the Dark Shower... Until I stepped on a Soldier......

Tomorrow is a day I’m NOT looking forward too.  The funeral of a 35 year old Mother and her Beautiful Vibrant 16 year old daughter, who was shot in the back by the Mother’s Boyfriend.  16 and Caught in the middle of a Domestic Violence Issue.  It's Horrific.  

Since I buried my 3^rd baby, I have studiously avoided funerals.  I will go to a “Celebration of LIFe”  … THAT I can handle.  Funerals.  I’d rather NOT attend.  

This one.  I have to. 

So.  In preparation.  Tonight.  I turned off the lights.   Lean in and turn on the shower.  Candles lit.  Glass full of wine.  I was going to sit in the dark… and cry.   A Gut Wrenching kind of cry.   Just get IT out of the way.   Again.   

So that tomorrow I can Be strong for my daughter.

I slide the shower curtain to the side… and step in… CRUSHING some unsuspecting small plastic Soldier.  Several of them in fact.  Along with a few armored cars. And a few broken guns.

There had obviously been a battle in the shower, even before I got there. I’m not sure who won.  They were still drying off.

While I was carrying the wet injured soldiers & their soapy vehicles out of the tub,  to lay in front of ‘their owners bedroom’….

I smiled. 

Deep inside.  My inner Child Smiled and actually laughed.  Yes. Out Loud.  LOL. 

I remembered the tub full of BathToys that ‘grandma Mc’ had in her closet.  It was The Best Thing Ever…. A giant cream colored tub ...... full of empty makeup bottles, shampoo bottles, measuring cups & spoons.  And in the middle of the tub was a bottle of Bubble Bath.  Heaven in a Tub .....  Squirty Bubbly Bottles of Fun. 

I can remember Charie and I sittin’ in that tub full of suds… filling and spraying every bottle.  Dreaming... in the way that only a child can dream and play. 

Something about Warm Water, Bubbles & Toys that can make you forget anything that extends outside the TUB.

Those were such Peaceful Great Memories.

So, as I lay the wet soldiers and their armored cars by Trenten’s door… I can’t help but think that in this World of Pain and Loss… there is definitely a ‘flip side’…. 

We HAVE to see what is right there in front of us.  The Gifts.  

They are so obvious.

Sometimes I am so bent on the past.. Judgment of others…  Untruths in my own mind… that I don’t see the gifts that are right there in front of ME………. Just Waiting to be Claimed.

 My LESSON:  

A Bathtub full of Toys.....  That is LIFE..... So Play!  Enjoy!  Live! Love!  Laugh!  

Tonight…I’ve decided to NOT sit in the Shower and Cry….  

 I've  Put the Wet Battered & Bruised Soldiers by ‘their door’………… 

.....and I’m going to Hug the Man I love.. Kiss the Kids I love … and Thank GOD for the LIFE he has Given ME!!!!   

Our Souls LIVE the LIFE they are Supposed to.  Then they GO Where we Will Once Again BE.

2011.... Flip the Switch!!!!

Wishing Everyone a really Amazing Christmas!!!  It's been a year of Sad AND Amazing Happy Changes.  Funny how the Two come Hand in Hand.   

 I hope that Everyone that this Message reaches will 'Flip the Switch' (as someone I  loved taught me to do) and see all the Positive Changes that 2010 has brought to our Lives!   

Personally, I know that I've had 'Earth Shattering' Changes.  Financial and Personal.  

I Sold my Coffee Shop.  Rented my House.  Fought and Won a 9 year Custody Battle....  Moved with my Youngest and Amazingly Beautiful Daughter to a Place where I have found my Zen and  my Financial Future....Ironically.... back where I began.  Left my Other Amazing Beautiful Daughter to make her Way into the Adult World without her Momma.... (because its HER time).........

I've cast away Coffee and have started my own Bookkeeping Business that has taken off in ways I never even Imagined.  

I have Finished writing a Children's Christmas Book that has 'been in the Works for two years'  and hope to have it Illustrated and in Print by Christmas of 2011.

I have learned in the last couple of Years that 'You get what you Fear'.  'Be careful what you focus your thoughts on'. 

 IF you focus on your Loss you will get more Loss. 

 If you Focus on your 'Future Gains' you have yet to Receive your 'Full Potential' but it WILL come!'.  

I quit being afraid of LOSS and I told the 'Universe' What I wanted.  I made a LIST. 

 I'm watching it ALL come ALIVE as we SPEAK.... Because I Believed it Would Happen... Santa has brought me my Stocking Early... I just had to be Ready to Receive it.   All of it.  Family.  Love.  Life.  It's the 'readiness' that has tripped me up in the past. 

What an Amazing Year 2010 was for me!  I Loved.  I Lost.  I Gained.  I Received.  I Learned.  And I Grew.

I am no longer afraid to look around the Corner.... Instead I'm excited to see what will be there when I get there...........

Merry Christmas.......  And Thank You to Every Single Person who has affected my life.  

No matter which way the 'Switch was Flipped'... you were a part of my Journey and you helped to make me who I am.  

So Thank You.  Good.  Beautiful.  Bad. & Ugly.... You have Created a Shining Star....      Merry Christmas!

Naked in front of the Tree...

Ha... Not really......  It was just a momentary thought in my head.... There & Gone before I could act on it.

Let me explain.  Last Night the Alaska Ex sent me a picture of his Christmas Tree.  In my house.  It took me a minute to realize that the Tree was sitting by the door that overlooked the view that I loved so much, a long time ago.  In a House that I begged, borrowed and pleaded & practically sold my soul to keep for the last 2 years.  Or more.  Really a lot more.

At first I wasn't sure why the hell he would do such a thing.  Then I decided it didn't matter.  Ok.  Obviously it matters or I wouldn't be writing about it.  I think he is taunting me with 'what could have been' or 'what could be'.  I'm not sure what his agenda was and it doesn't really matter.  I can only deal with the why & how on my end.

 My first emotion was an indignant WTF.   I had to fight a strong urge to send him a  Photo Shop  picture of me and Tim standing in front of a Decorated Palm tree in Hawaii.  Or one of us Naked & Making Mad Passionate love in front of our Own Christmas Tree.  Photo Shopped 20lbs thinner of course.  Wrong.  I know.  The only place you should lie about your weight is your Drivers License.  That's why I didn't do it.  That and a Multitude of other Obvious Ones.   And FYI, it was only in my head for a split second.  A short enough span of time that I'm almost positive "Karma" never even saw it.  But I've been wrong about that before so I'm not going to count on it.

 I am happier and more content than I have ever been.  So why does it stick in my craw like a jalapeño flavored toothpick stuck sideways?

Pride.  It's definitely Pride.  That 'Thing' that can fill our spine and hold us up when we need it.... and then in the next moment can drag us down.... when we don't.

My decision to Rent/Give back the House to Alaska Man was not an easy one.  Yes.  You heard it right.  Rent.  Its not really the right choice of Words but what else do you call it when the House Deed and Mortgage is in my name but he is paying the bill and I don't live there.  There is not a good word for that.  Except Fucked.  And since its Christmas that would be completely inappropriate and bad Karma.  I'm just sayin'.

And ..... Because of the Banks and Lenders stubbornness & complete unwillingness to think outside the box... it will probably remain that way until its paid off, sells or one of us Dies.  Given the Housing Market,  I have a bad feeling about which will come first.

My Pride and I had several discussions about this House & what to do with it.  Eventually the accruing fuel bill from driving back and forth to Eureka to spend time with the Love of My Life.... the selling of the coffee shop.... along with the ridiculous & persistent nagging of my mortgage company to pay in a timely fashion..... and the $300.00 electric bill for a house that only two people lived in ... well, these things certainly helped to seal the deal.  I had to put Pride aside.  And FYI:  Right now She is laying wounded on a bed of Crow.

The House that I fought so hard to keep.  Is now His Again.  And it is as it should be.  If we put into perspective that Nothing really Belongs to Us and we are simply using it for a short time while we Journey here.  Then its all Relative and Good.

The lesson I have learned in all of this:  Thank God there are no battery's in the camera!    I'm just sayin'...

Hippy Skirts, Christmas & My Auntie Lee Lee...........

Today.... I bought THE most amazing Quilted Hippy Skirt..... EVER.  At a second hand store.  $12.00.
 O ya baby!

It reminds me of my cousin Makenna.  She wears these quilted skirts with leggings.. Straight hair, No make up and Hand knit hats... looks Absolutely Amazing in them.  Natural~Model~Beautiful~Amazing.  Cuz she just IS! I want to be her when I grow up.  :)

I bought second hand black leather clogs too.  Peace Baby!!!  I am SO wearing them NOW.  Can't wear them outside of course... because its 5degrees and snowing.  But whatever... I am the QUEEN of DENIAL...  Candles are lit.. Van Morrison is playing on 'Pandora'... Summer is here in my living room... Skirts 'Swayin'... Crazy Hair Flowin'.... 'Eyes closed... pretending its summer or the 70's.. which I missed... what the hell eva' ... I'm dancin' and Feeling very Zen.

 'Things' or Music make me think of the people I love.

This skirt made me think of Makenna.  Which made me think of her Momma.  Who just happens to be my Aunt .... four years my Senior.  Auntieeee Lee Lee.  My Very Best Friend.  Since I was Born.

How very convenient to be Born with a Best Friend.  For Sure!

She has been One of the Very Few Real People in My Life who has loved me unconditionally while at the same time has also been willing to say, "HONEY... Honey ... honey... Please Please Please... stop doing that"...  and if I don't.... she just says, " O Honeyyyyyy, I love you. ... I LOVE YOU... BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU."....  

She is also one of those amazingly spiritual people who underestimates themselves and the effect they have on the World and the People in It.  

I'm finding that those kind of People can be very Rare.  So very Rare. So very very verrrrry rare.  

She is also the BEST Hostess EVER!!!  Cooks the best meals while accommodating every one in the house even after having shared a few bottles of the best that $Chuck had to offer.     

My favorite Christmas Memory EVER ...   was spent at Auntie Lee Lee's house...

 Christmas Eve... went to the beach and collected shells then sat by the fireside at a local place and ate fresh clam chowder... toured the local "Christmas Lights at the Garden's at the Beach".

Came home and looked at the Bare Christmas Tree.  Said.  Nope.  Not ready to decorate it. ..... Yet.

 Had a glass of wine and went to bed.  

Christmas Day.  We put a Ham in the oven... at some point.

 Then went downstairs and 'threw' pottery and drank more wine... talked, laughed, told stories, dug our hands in the clay.... laughed some more...
....    Forgot about dinner until 'company' showed up..........  I'm wearing overalls.. hair in a messy chaotic clay mess...  Laughing and forgetting about all of the rituals... Just enjoying my life.  

 It truly was one of MY Best and Favorite Days EVER.  

No decorations on the tree and no presents under it. 


No dinner on the table. 


 No pressure.  


No expectations.     


 Just FAMILY enjoying their time together. 


 THAT IS  my BEST Christmas EVER!!!


Thank YOU Auntie Lee Lee ......................................................  I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Charles... "Who died with His boots ON"........

Today I had the random thought that for Thanksgiving this year....  I wish I had the financial flexibility to order a plane ticket for two.  Do they serve Roasted Turkey  & Mashed ‘Taters in Belize?  I don’t know?  Cold here. Hot there.  Duh.

Expectations.  That is what the Holidays are.  Expectations of “Family”.   I have learned that “Family” is what you make… not what you are necessarily Given.  Or Maybe it IS.  DAMMIT.

My last ‘ Big Family Occasion”  with my Family was a Reunion.   No One should be subjected to a Normal Reunion.  Let alone one with MY family.  Unless they can afford the Therapy Expenses that come with it.

The day before ‘our’ Reunion my Uncle Charles turned Blue and died on my Mothers couch.

 My Aunt came out  of the kitchen and looked at him and said, “Ummm, How long has he NOT been snoring?”.

 Really Boys?…. You did NOT notice he was no longer watching the Football Game… Helllooooooo… Jeeeezuz.

His final Urination on my Mothers leather sofa becoming another reason for her to have  an excuse to Self Medicate on his left over Narcotics for the remaining "official" time of the Family Reunion.... while making a  one time speedy trip to Pier One to put a new couch on hold.  

 I’d have done the same thing…. But we were all given instructions of Sobriety on the Invitation.  NO Alcohol.  Due largely to the Families Christianity and AA beliefs.   Damn our luck.  It was first come and first serve on the Oxycotin…..  

I hope that Charles is sitting somewhere in Heaven … with his size Bazillion Cowboy Boots On… and is smiling because he missed the REST of the Reunion.  Or maybe he‘s smiling because … He now has the cure for cancer… and can really fix a jet airplane on the phone.  Or maybe he's smiling because he can eat all the Roasted Turkey Skin off the Turkey and NO ONE will judge him.

Regardless, for whatever reason………..  Tonight………. I’m thinking’ of Uncle Charles…  and the laughter that he left us with.

Tomorrow.  I will share Thanksgiving with The love of My Life and the child who has become my ‘other’ child….  Kaden.    We… Three… are a Family tomorrow.

Laughter.  Love.  That is what I want for my LIFE.