I met with my oldest daughter yesterday. I love that Girl!!!!! I look and listen .... and SEE myself at 19.
She is ‘niss’ a baby… as my ‘otha motha Bonnie would have said’….
Typically 19, in that she Party’s and is Living Life at Large.
The thing that most people don’t see about her is that deep inside she is an old soul. I saw it when she was about 3. She told me that she had been talking with Jesus in her bedroom. When I asked her what He said, she looked at me, smiled and said, “Momma! That’s between Me and God”. I’m assuming that her Spiritual Journey has yet to begin. And, I hope, What a Great Journey that will Be.
She has the Basics…. I’m just hoping she’ll have the strength to flip the Top Off that Box. It can get Pretty Heavy.
Regardless of how frivolous and avant-garde’ my oldest daughter comes across; she really gets things on a deeper level than most will ever see. Or ever want to see. More than she Now sees.
We were discussing the statement from my BF…boy friend…best friend… yes both… well, we were discussing the fact that he has told me that he’s not sure if he will Ever be ready to get married again. To clarify: He actually said he’s not sure if he’ll be ready in 6months, 1 year or 2 or 5.
I heard: “I will Never be ready to get married again”… exclamation point…exclamation point.
Poor Man.
I"m quite sure he was wishing that he had Never even answered "That" question.
His Answer.... of course….. discombobulates me.
42 AND NOT married. If we had a class reunion right now… I’d be THAT girl. ARGGGG.
I know I need to NOT take this personally. However.
It’s like a big Crooked Spike in my Railroad Track.
One, That I’m not yet sure what to do with. Leave It. Stop at It. Jump Over it. Plow through It. Convince all Parties concerned it doesn’t exist. Take a Hammer and Beat it to Death….. FuckODeer. It is a conundrum.
My daughters advice was from a Horoscope or Fortune Cookie, that she’d read this week: “you will seek Marriage for Happiness but you will never find That particular Happiness in Marriage’.
She looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Momma. Maybe that’s you. Maybe you will only find “That” Happiness with just You. Not sayin’ you shouldn’t ‘be’ with Who you are with. But maybe…. You need to be OK with Not being ‘Married’.”
Really? My Oldest daughter is ‘telling’ me to stop getting married? Or at the Very Least, stop Wanting to get Married.
Maybe this is how my Mother felt the 4rth or 5th time my Amazingly Beautiful Grandmother tied the ‘knot’. (My disclaimer: I have NOT been married more than twice and I’m not nearly as amazingly beautiful as my grandmother was).
Maybe that is what I’m supposed to be ‘Learning’ right now. Stop jumpin off the Cliff. Stop Being Afraid to be Just You.
From the Mouth of My Child. And just when I thought I was so much smarter than Her.
Dammit.
I want to Learn what I Want to Learn. Not what I Need to Learn.
My whole life, from as far as I can remember, All I ever wanted was to be a Wife and a Mom. It’s like, how some people, want to be a lawyer or a doctor. So, they grow up either arguing or helping. I grew up, just wanting to Love a Man and to take care of him. I grew up dreaming about being Married.
Twice Divorced I’m now thinking that maybe being a Lawyer or a Neurosurgeon would have been easier than being Married. I'm just sayin....
In the End…. I know that My Journey really Begins and end with Just Me and God. So I suppose that in the Middle I should get used to that. And the rest will fit in.
But Damn. He’s just so Quiet most of the Time.
I almost Forget that He is There.
*sigh*
What Have I Learned..... That I really Know Nothing…. Other than I don’t get to be in Control. Dammit.
I need to just be ME. I am not just a Wife or a Girlfriend. Or a Friend. Or a Sister. Or an Aunt.
I am not just a Mom.
In The Beginning.. I was Born with ME… In the End… I Die with ME…
I better learn to Like Me. Just Me.
I need to be more than OK with That.
I need to Dance On It.
Watch OUT… Coming Soon… Crazy Woman..
Dancing in the Streets… Lovin' Life and Lovin' Herself.
YES... I think I will Marry ME............
