My New Blog Site

www.thewatersdeep.com     ;0)

Will You Marry ME?

I met with my oldest daughter yesterday.  I love that Girl!!!!!  I look and listen .... and SEE myself at 19. 

She is ‘niss’ a baby… as my ‘otha motha Bonnie would have said’….                

Typically 19, in that she Party’s and is Living Life at Large.

 The thing that most people don’t see about her is that deep inside she is an old soul.  I saw it when she was about 3.  She told me that she had been talking with Jesus in her bedroom.  When I asked her what He said, she looked at me, smiled and said, “Momma!  That’s between Me and God”.  I’m assuming that her Spiritual Journey has yet to begin.  And, I hope,  What a Great Journey that will Be. 

She has the Basics…. I’m just hoping she’ll have the strength to flip the Top Off that Box.  It can get Pretty Heavy. 

Regardless of how frivolous and avant-garde’ my oldest daughter comes across; she really gets things on a deeper level than most will ever see.  Or ever want to see.  More than she Now sees. 

We were discussing the statement from my BF…boy friend…best friend… yes both… well, we were discussing the fact that he has told me that he’s not sure if he will Ever be ready to get married again.  To clarify:  He actually said he’s not sure if he’ll be ready in 6months, 1 year or 2 or 5.  

 

I heard:  “I will Never be ready to get married again”… exclamation point…exclamation point. 

Poor Man.  

I"m quite sure he was wishing that he had Never even answered "That" question.  

His Answer....  of course…..  discombobulates me.

42 AND NOT married.  If we had a class reunion right now… I’d be THAT girl.  ARGGGG.

 I know I need to NOT take this personally.  However. 

It’s like a big Crooked Spike in my Railroad Track. 

One, That I’m not yet sure what to do with.  Leave It.  Stop at It.  Jump Over it. Plow through It.  Convince all Parties concerned it doesn’t exist.  Take a Hammer and Beat it to Death…..   FuckODeer.  It is a conundrum.

My daughters advice was from a Horoscope or Fortune Cookie, that she’d read this week:  “you will seek Marriage for Happiness but you will never find That particular Happiness in Marriage’.

She looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Momma.  Maybe that’s you.  Maybe you will only find “That” Happiness with just You.  Not sayin’ you shouldn’t ‘be’ with Who you are with.  But maybe….   You need to be OK with Not being ‘Married’.” 

Really?  My Oldest daughter is ‘telling’ me to stop getting married?  Or at the Very Least, stop Wanting to get Married.

Maybe this is how my Mother felt the 4rth or 5^th time my Amazingly Beautiful Grandmother tied the ‘knot’.   (My disclaimer:  I have NOT been married more than twice and I’m not nearly as amazingly beautiful as my grandmother was).

 

Maybe that is what I’m supposed to be ‘Learning’ right now.  Stop jumpin off the Cliff.  Stop Being Afraid to be Just You. 

 From the Mouth of My Child.  And just when I thought I was so much smarter than Her.

Dammit.  

I want to Learn what I Want to Learn.  Not what I Need to Learn. 

My whole life, from as far as I can remember, All I ever wanted was to be a Wife and a Mom.  It’s like, how some people,  want to be a lawyer or a doctor.  So, they grow up either arguing or helping.  I grew up,  just wanting to Love a Man and to take care of him.  I grew up dreaming about being Married.  

Twice Divorced I’m now thinking that maybe being a Lawyer or a Neurosurgeon would have been easier than being Married.  I'm just sayin.... 

In the End…. I know that My Journey really Begins and end with Just Me and God.  So I suppose that in the Middle I should get used to that.  And the rest will fit in.

But Damn.  He’s just so Quiet most of the Time. 

I almost Forget that He is There.

*sigh*

What Have I Learned.....   That I really Know Nothing…. Other than I don’t get to be in Control.  Dammit. 

I need to just be ME.  I am not just a Wife or a Girlfriend. Or a Friend. Or a Sister.  Or an Aunt.

 I am not just a Mom.

In The Beginning.. I was Born with ME… In the End… I Die with ME…

I better learn to Like Me.  Just Me. 

I need to be more than OK with That.

I need to Dance On It.

Watch OUT… Coming Soon… Crazy Woman..

Dancing in the Streets…   Lovin' Life and Lovin' Herself.

YES... I think I will Marry ME............   

I was GOING to Cry in the Dark Shower... Until I stepped on a Soldier......

Tomorrow is a day I’m NOT looking forward too.  The funeral of a 35 year old Mother and her Beautiful Vibrant 16 year old daughter, who was shot in the back by the Mother’s Boyfriend.  16 and Caught in the middle of a Domestic Violence Issue.  It's Horrific.  

Since I buried my 3^rd baby, I have studiously avoided funerals.  I will go to a “Celebration of LIFe”  … THAT I can handle.  Funerals.  I’d rather NOT attend.  

This one.  I have to. 

So.  In preparation.  Tonight.  I turned off the lights.   Lean in and turn on the shower.  Candles lit.  Glass full of wine.  I was going to sit in the dark… and cry.   A Gut Wrenching kind of cry.   Just get IT out of the way.   Again.   

So that tomorrow I can Be strong for my daughter.

I slide the shower curtain to the side… and step in… CRUSHING some unsuspecting small plastic Soldier.  Several of them in fact.  Along with a few armored cars. And a few broken guns.

There had obviously been a battle in the shower, even before I got there. I’m not sure who won.  They were still drying off.

While I was carrying the wet injured soldiers & their soapy vehicles out of the tub,  to lay in front of ‘their owners bedroom’….

I smiled. 

Deep inside.  My inner Child Smiled and actually laughed.  Yes. Out Loud.  LOL. 

I remembered the tub full of BathToys that ‘grandma Mc’ had in her closet.  It was The Best Thing Ever…. A giant cream colored tub ...... full of empty makeup bottles, shampoo bottles, measuring cups & spoons.  And in the middle of the tub was a bottle of Bubble Bath.  Heaven in a Tub .....  Squirty Bubbly Bottles of Fun. 

I can remember Charie and I sittin’ in that tub full of suds… filling and spraying every bottle.  Dreaming... in the way that only a child can dream and play. 

Something about Warm Water, Bubbles & Toys that can make you forget anything that extends outside the TUB.

Those were such Peaceful Great Memories.

So, as I lay the wet soldiers and their armored cars by Trenten’s door… I can’t help but think that in this World of Pain and Loss… there is definitely a ‘flip side’…. 

We HAVE to see what is right there in front of us.  The Gifts.  

They are so obvious.

Sometimes I am so bent on the past.. Judgment of others…  Untruths in my own mind… that I don’t see the gifts that are right there in front of ME………. Just Waiting to be Claimed.

 My LESSON:  

A Bathtub full of Toys.....  That is LIFE..... So Play!  Enjoy!  Live! Love!  Laugh!  

Tonight…I’ve decided to NOT sit in the Shower and Cry….  

 I've  Put the Wet Battered & Bruised Soldiers by ‘their door’………… 

.....and I’m going to Hug the Man I love.. Kiss the Kids I love … and Thank GOD for the LIFE he has Given ME!!!!   

Our Souls LIVE the LIFE they are Supposed to.  Then they GO Where we Will Once Again BE.