2011.... Flip the Switch!!!!

Wishing Everyone a really Amazing Christmas!!!  It's been a year of Sad AND Amazing Happy Changes.  Funny how the Two come Hand in Hand.   

 I hope that Everyone that this Message reaches will 'Flip the Switch' (as someone I  loved taught me to do) and see all the Positive Changes that 2010 has brought to our Lives!   

Personally, I know that I've had 'Earth Shattering' Changes.  Financial and Personal.  

I Sold my Coffee Shop.  Rented my House.  Fought and Won a 9 year Custody Battle....  Moved with my Youngest and Amazingly Beautiful Daughter to a Place where I have found my Zen and  my Financial Future....Ironically.... back where I began.  Left my Other Amazing Beautiful Daughter to make her Way into the Adult World without her Momma.... (because its HER time).........

I've cast away Coffee and have started my own Bookkeeping Business that has taken off in ways I never even Imagined.  

I have Finished writing a Children's Christmas Book that has 'been in the Works for two years'  and hope to have it Illustrated and in Print by Christmas of 2011.

I have learned in the last couple of Years that 'You get what you Fear'.  'Be careful what you focus your thoughts on'. 

 IF you focus on your Loss you will get more Loss. 

 If you Focus on your 'Future Gains' you have yet to Receive your 'Full Potential' but it WILL come!'.  

I quit being afraid of LOSS and I told the 'Universe' What I wanted.  I made a LIST. 

 I'm watching it ALL come ALIVE as we SPEAK.... Because I Believed it Would Happen... Santa has brought me my Stocking Early... I just had to be Ready to Receive it.   All of it.  Family.  Love.  Life.  It's the 'readiness' that has tripped me up in the past. 

What an Amazing Year 2010 was for me!  I Loved.  I Lost.  I Gained.  I Received.  I Learned.  And I Grew.

I am no longer afraid to look around the Corner.... Instead I'm excited to see what will be there when I get there...........

Merry Christmas.......  And Thank You to Every Single Person who has affected my life.  

No matter which way the 'Switch was Flipped'... you were a part of my Journey and you helped to make me who I am.  

So Thank You.  Good.  Beautiful.  Bad. & Ugly.... You have Created a Shining Star....      Merry Christmas!

Naked in front of the Tree...

Ha... Not really......  It was just a momentary thought in my head.... There & Gone before I could act on it.

Let me explain.  Last Night the Alaska Ex sent me a picture of his Christmas Tree.  In my house.  It took me a minute to realize that the Tree was sitting by the door that overlooked the view that I loved so much, a long time ago.  In a House that I begged, borrowed and pleaded & practically sold my soul to keep for the last 2 years.  Or more.  Really a lot more.

At first I wasn't sure why the hell he would do such a thing.  Then I decided it didn't matter.  Ok.  Obviously it matters or I wouldn't be writing about it.  I think he is taunting me with 'what could have been' or 'what could be'.  I'm not sure what his agenda was and it doesn't really matter.  I can only deal with the why & how on my end.

 My first emotion was an indignant WTF.   I had to fight a strong urge to send him a  Photo Shop  picture of me and Tim standing in front of a Decorated Palm tree in Hawaii.  Or one of us Naked & Making Mad Passionate love in front of our Own Christmas Tree.  Photo Shopped 20lbs thinner of course.  Wrong.  I know.  The only place you should lie about your weight is your Drivers License.  That's why I didn't do it.  That and a Multitude of other Obvious Ones.   And FYI, it was only in my head for a split second.  A short enough span of time that I'm almost positive "Karma" never even saw it.  But I've been wrong about that before so I'm not going to count on it.

 I am happier and more content than I have ever been.  So why does it stick in my craw like a jalapeño flavored toothpick stuck sideways?

Pride.  It's definitely Pride.  That 'Thing' that can fill our spine and hold us up when we need it.... and then in the next moment can drag us down.... when we don't.

My decision to Rent/Give back the House to Alaska Man was not an easy one.  Yes.  You heard it right.  Rent.  Its not really the right choice of Words but what else do you call it when the House Deed and Mortgage is in my name but he is paying the bill and I don't live there.  There is not a good word for that.  Except Fucked.  And since its Christmas that would be completely inappropriate and bad Karma.  I'm just sayin'.

And ..... Because of the Banks and Lenders stubbornness & complete unwillingness to think outside the box... it will probably remain that way until its paid off, sells or one of us Dies.  Given the Housing Market,  I have a bad feeling about which will come first.

My Pride and I had several discussions about this House & what to do with it.  Eventually the accruing fuel bill from driving back and forth to Eureka to spend time with the Love of My Life.... the selling of the coffee shop.... along with the ridiculous & persistent nagging of my mortgage company to pay in a timely fashion..... and the $300.00 electric bill for a house that only two people lived in ... well, these things certainly helped to seal the deal.  I had to put Pride aside.  And FYI:  Right now She is laying wounded on a bed of Crow.

The House that I fought so hard to keep.  Is now His Again.  And it is as it should be.  If we put into perspective that Nothing really Belongs to Us and we are simply using it for a short time while we Journey here.  Then its all Relative and Good.

The lesson I have learned in all of this:  Thank God there are no battery's in the camera!    I'm just sayin'...

Hippy Skirts, Christmas & My Auntie Lee Lee...........

Today.... I bought THE most amazing Quilted Hippy Skirt..... EVER.  At a second hand store.  $12.00.
 O ya baby!

It reminds me of my cousin Makenna.  She wears these quilted skirts with leggings.. Straight hair, No make up and Hand knit hats... looks Absolutely Amazing in them.  Natural~Model~Beautiful~Amazing.  Cuz she just IS! I want to be her when I grow up.  :)

I bought second hand black leather clogs too.  Peace Baby!!!  I am SO wearing them NOW.  Can't wear them outside of course... because its 5degrees and snowing.  But whatever... I am the QUEEN of DENIAL...  Candles are lit.. Van Morrison is playing on 'Pandora'... Summer is here in my living room... Skirts 'Swayin'... Crazy Hair Flowin'.... 'Eyes closed... pretending its summer or the 70's.. which I missed... what the hell eva' ... I'm dancin' and Feeling very Zen.

 'Things' or Music make me think of the people I love.

This skirt made me think of Makenna.  Which made me think of her Momma.  Who just happens to be my Aunt .... four years my Senior.  Auntieeee Lee Lee.  My Very Best Friend.  Since I was Born.

How very convenient to be Born with a Best Friend.  For Sure!

She has been One of the Very Few Real People in My Life who has loved me unconditionally while at the same time has also been willing to say, "HONEY... Honey ... honey... Please Please Please... stop doing that"...  and if I don't.... she just says, " O Honeyyyyyy, I love you. ... I LOVE YOU... BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU."....  

She is also one of those amazingly spiritual people who underestimates themselves and the effect they have on the World and the People in It.  

I'm finding that those kind of People can be very Rare.  So very Rare. So very very verrrrry rare.  

She is also the BEST Hostess EVER!!!  Cooks the best meals while accommodating every one in the house even after having shared a few bottles of the best that $Chuck had to offer.     

My favorite Christmas Memory EVER ...   was spent at Auntie Lee Lee's house...

 Christmas Eve... went to the beach and collected shells then sat by the fireside at a local place and ate fresh clam chowder... toured the local "Christmas Lights at the Garden's at the Beach".

Came home and looked at the Bare Christmas Tree.  Said.  Nope.  Not ready to decorate it. ..... Yet.

 Had a glass of wine and went to bed.  

Christmas Day.  We put a Ham in the oven... at some point.

 Then went downstairs and 'threw' pottery and drank more wine... talked, laughed, told stories, dug our hands in the clay.... laughed some more...
....    Forgot about dinner until 'company' showed up..........  I'm wearing overalls.. hair in a messy chaotic clay mess...  Laughing and forgetting about all of the rituals... Just enjoying my life.  

 It truly was one of MY Best and Favorite Days EVER.  

No decorations on the tree and no presents under it. 


No dinner on the table. 


 No pressure.  


No expectations.     


 Just FAMILY enjoying their time together. 


 THAT IS  my BEST Christmas EVER!!!


Thank YOU Auntie Lee Lee ......................................................  I love you.